Just Some Fun Facts

Five Things I Have A Passion For
1. Travel
2. Writing
3. The French language
4. Photography
5. Collecting vinyl

Five Things I’d Like To Do Before I Die
1. Visit every continent
2. Have a family
3. Be able to speak at least six languages
4. Go back to Luna Park
5. Live in Paris

Five Things I Say A Lot:
1. “Oh, bless” whenever someone does something sweet or stupid.
2. “Nonsense” referring to actual items like “Did you receive my nonsense in the post?”
3. “Foul”
4. “Cheers”
5. “Ffs”

Five Books I’ve Read Lately
1. Atonement by Ian McEwan
2. Emma by Jane Austen
3. Brighton Rock by Graham Greene
4. Twenties Girl by Sophia Kinsella
5.Sweet Tooth by Ian McEwan

Five Favorite Movies
1. Pulp Fiction
2. Fight Club
3. The Dark Knight
4. Inception
5. Amélie

Five Places I’d Like To Travel
1. New Zealand
2. Scotland
3. Fiji
4. Berlin
5. Montenegro

Went the Distance

One year ago today was probably what I consider to be the most frightening, heart-wrenching, low-key worst days of my life. I have never been more scared or gutted or felt more helpless, ever, and I hope I never have to feel that way again. It has been one hell of a year and I can’t believe how much has changed.

I just want everyone to know that now that it has been a year, I feel lighter and freer. Nothing has changed yet, but everything has changed. I am no longer oppressed. I am no longer being prevented. I can. I can. I can.

I would also like to shoutout to the following members of my various international squads for the immense amounts of love and support and constant reminders to remember where I belong.

Brighton squad: H, B, S, P, M, B, S – I would not have been able to function without your readiness to hear me complain, cry, or even just ache at how badly I wanted to be with you all this year. Love love love always.

LDN squad: S, S, N, J, S, J – thank you for the constant connections and small tokens to remind me of where I’m supposed to be. All the love as always.

USA squad: D, D, S, B, S, L, M, D, J, J, A, M – you guys have done a hell of a job entertaining me and even though it didn’t erase the awfulness, it helped. Love.

I sit now, curled up on my sofa, thinking about exactly where I was a year ago this second and how I was hyperventilating, swollen eyed and exhausted. Never again. Never never again.

I did it. I made it. I survived.

Tea, Nights Out, Assorted Kisses, We All Know Where This Girl Misses

I miss the misty drizzle and warm cups of tea.

I miss walking down Portobello Road, dodging the vegetable sellers as I popped into Tesco for raspberries and cold pressed Pink Lady apple juice. I miss shopping at Westfield and picking up food at Waitrose. I miss ready-meals that weren’t frozen and sandwiches that just were there, ready to go and three quid in the meal deal. I miss Rubicon passionfruit juice and cheddar stars. I miss proper Nando’s and their sangria and not worrying about driving back after a cheeky pitcher on a Monday night.

I miss hearing “Mind the gap” and “Welcome aboard the Southern Service to Brighton.” I miss standing in the WH Smith at Victoria Station, selecting a paperback, a pack of gum and a bottle of Evian for the train ride. I miss waiting in the taxi queue at Brighton Station because it was winter and no way was I going to walk a half hour alone in the dark.

I miss the shouting in my ear over drum and bass at clubs. I miss staying out until three or four in the morning. I miss staring up at the stars from a Brighton garden as music wafts out from the open kitchen door.

I miss the sound of the waves curling up onto the pebbled shore, racing back out with a loud “HUSH.” I miss waking up encircled by warm freckled arms to the shrieks of the seagulls. I miss lazy Sundays when walking down by the pier or simply staying in bed were the best options.

But mostly, I miss being able to see my friends freely. That, and being able to buy crumpets at the shop instead of ordering them from a special website.

Forget-You-Not.

Is it strange to miss someone you’ve never known? Because I do. I do all the time.

I think about who you could have been and what you would have looked like and what your voice would have sounded like. I wonder if you would have held my hair wrapped around the starfish of your hand. Would you have been mellow? Energetic? Smart? Would you speak more than one language? Would I have resented you for coming before I was ready? Would I still have loved you anyway? Because now, looking back, I wasn’t ready and I’m still mentally not ready. There’s something terrifying about having a future decided for you at the age of 23 and that was enough to make me want you to stay away.

I didn’t even miss you until I knew you would never be here and I would never get to meet you. And it’s been a long year of missing you, thinking about you, regretting losing you before we even got the chance to be together. I can’t do or say anything to bring you back, because, let’s face it, you were never really mine to claim in the first place.

Just know that you are missed, you are loved and I know that someday, I may be lucky enough to finally meet you face to face.