With your feet in the air and your leg…in the States

You are my left leg.

You are a part of me, a part of my being that I know I’ve taken for granted. You keep me balanced and whole and make going through the daily motions of life simple, easy, bearable. You hold me firmly rooted to the ground, you make putting one foot in front of the other (which is the original title of your song for me, oh by the way) an unconscious decision. You are my left leg.

But here’s the thing – I can live without my left leg. You aren’t my heart, or my lungs, so please don’t flatter yourself and think that you are. Yes, the separation was excruciating, hard to deal with and messy. I’ve had to adjust to life without you. And I’ve done a decent job of it, I think. I’ve tried the wheelchair but having people have to push me through each day is hard on me and unfair to them. I’ve tried the crutch but it just made me weaker and almost unable to stand at all. I’m trying out prosthetic after prosthetic and here’s the thing – they almost fit.  Almost but not quite. There are still those moments where I’m very aware of the fact that they aren’t you. Something feels off, my feet can’t touch the ground, there’s an ache that I can’t deny anymore. And there is no replacement that can change the fact that you are my left leg.

I’ve made adjustments and I suppose you have too. I can’t expect things to be rehabilitated overnight and I can’t expect instant gratification. But here’s what I’ve learned. Life without my left leg is doable. It’s not pleasant, but it’s doable. I just liked my life a lot better with my left leg in it and I would like it back. And this thing that you’re doing? Trying to stand alone as someone else’s foundation? It’s not going to work for long. After all, you are my left leg.



I don’t know why I expected anything else. Lesson learned: you can’t just drop out of someone’s life and think that they won’t move on with it. Spoiler alert: boy’s been trying to get in touch with me for months, and so I finally called him only to have him be weird on the phone. Confirmed the following day by a mutual friend – I have been substituted. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Mere, but you can because it tastes, smells and looks nothing like the real thing. But it’s okay. I can cope with a little help from some iconic TV couples who have dealt with the same bullshit I now have to face. Ross and Rachel. Adam and Hannah. They are my role models now.

I watched The One With Ross’s New Girlfriend because that’s how I felt on Saturday. You know, when Rachel finally realises that Ross has been in love with her for years and that she loves him too? So she drives to the airport and stands at the gate, because in a pre-9/11 world this was allowed, waiting for him to get off the plane from China. And he does, with the adorable, perky, oh-so-unlike Rachel, Julie tucked under his arm. Rachel calls it kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic. The minute she gathers herself enough to realise she does love Ross, he moves on whilst she was blissfully unaware of it. But did he really move on? Julie is everything Rachel isn’t. It looks like Julie is just the convenient thing in front of him, the distraction from how much he loves Rachel and how she isn’t ready for him. Is Ross with Julie simply because she was there and he was sad? Well, obviously, yes, given that epic kiss between Ross and Rachel in Central Perk. And what Ross says is true – he was fine, he was happy, then Rachel came back to him and she is the ultimate choice for him.

I’ve compared my relationship with boy to Adam and Hannah from Girls a million times. It’s only fitting that upon hearing this recent development, I am in the process of re-watching the series from the beginning. In series two, we have Adam and Natalia. Hannah has made it abundantly clear to Adam that she does not want to be with him, she thinks he’s a psychopath, but by the end of the series, we see she’s feeling differently. When she needs him, he drops everything he’s doing and runs to her, even though he’s been dating the lovely Natalia, who doesn’t seem to fulfil him the way that Hannah does. “You’re here,” she gasps. “Well, I was always here, kid.” And that’s the part I struggle with – that reach out. I didn’t know how to admit that I needed him, so of course, I’ve lost him. Flash forward to series four, where Adam starts dating Mimi-Rose whilst Hannah is away. Marine tells Hannah, “You have to give him space to see where this goes, or he will hate you forever.” And that’s what I have to do. Again. Or, not again, but actually confirmed, for sure, I know this is happening this time. I know I’ve been replaced. The series ends with Adam telling Hannah he wants to be with her and Hannah telling him no. Series five gives us the oh-so-fucked dynamic of Adam and Jessa, but stills from series six show that there’s a chance that Adam and Hannah are back together. With a baby on the way. It’s been six series of back and forth, of growth and development, before realising that they are meant to be.

Just because we aren’t together right now doesn’t mean he’s gone forever. And it is very evident we can’t stay away from each other, no matter how hard we try. The door’s open, babe. Your move.