Wistful.

You feel so out of my reach, so beyond out of my reach that you don’t even feel fathomable or possible.

I see people that I know, people that I grew up with, people who are younger than I am getting to be with people like you, or waiting for someone like you – fully aware when this will happen – and my throat closes. I am not green with envy, but white-hot with it. It fills my body, tightens my stomach, and I become more convinced that my dreams of you will remain simply that – dreams. I want you here now, with me, tangible and real, instead of existing as a concept that frankly sounds like being caught up on an episode of a television show that I missed. I am invested in the characters, but very aware that they are not real.

I want to know what your skin feels like against my cheek, and what your hair smells like, and what it feels like to watch my heart grow outside of my body because that is truly what you are – an extension of my heart.

But I’ll wait. I will wait, and I will wait, and I will wait. Because we both know on some level that you’re coming. And after your arrival, just in case you’re ever concerned about being a disappointment, not living up to expectations, or not making a good impression? Oh, sweetheart. We already love you.

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7quad, 5 years on

Five years ago today, I arrived in Brighton for my term abroad. While I wouldn’t move into my flat until the following day, my journey did technically begin on this date. I’m going to take the time to gush about all of my incredible people because without them, I would not be who I am today.

B – you were the first one I officially met. And there’s not much I can say to you that I haven’t already. I haven’t given up on you yet, okay? JTM.

B – my prison wife. Sometimes I am really glad your ex used me as an emotional dumping ground because I feel like that made us even tighter. I had the best time when you came to visit me last year, and I can’t wait for round 2. Thank you for constantly being willing to be my support when I need it and even when I don’t. *insert penguin noises*

H – despite the fact that soon after we met you were shunned by my flat, eye still love you to the moon and back. I’m so proud of you for taking your next steps and starting from the beginning. I also had the best time when you came to visit me last year. Come back soon.

E – you. You are an incredible human being and I am so proud of you. I love that we don’t have to talk every day for that love to exist. We got real close real quick, and while that closeness from living together has faded, I know that if I ever really needed you, you’d be there.  Also, I’m sorry for my incessant need to tell you how much I love you after I’ve been drinking.

S – mate, you are harder to get ahold of than any celebrity, but that makes the times we do get to catch up even more special. You’ve been by my side for some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with and managed to distract me whilst making it easier to cope. Cannot wait for our waffle tour and I can’t wait until we can sit in Wetherspoon’s, drinking pitchers of cocktails, instead of drinking in Leicester Square.

P – first of all, I love that we can talk about hard things, have differing opinions, and still be as close as we are. I also love how you are always there when I need you and how our five days in Amsterdam have made us even closer. You know what to say to make me feel better and no one takes up my cause better than you do. I said it to you this morning – you are the petrol that keeps my car going and everything seems a little more bearable knowing that you are on my side.

And as for the rest of you – M, S, E, D, H – even though we aren’t in contact as frequently as I am with the others, know that the love still exists. It will always exist. We are bonded through drinking in a minging kitchen, and through late night chips on a lurching bus, and through cups of tea on a snowy morning.

Our friendship can technically be in primary school (where have these five years gone?) and I love each and every one of you so very much.

Copping out with a list

This is massively cheating, but I love to talk about myself and I also have a major case of writer’s block. But I need to write something, my fingers are itching, so here it is – Mere summarised.

Favorites:

Food: cheese. Anything involving cheese. I could live off of cheese. My relationship with my friend Nicole revolves around our mutual love for cheese. All we do is eat cheese, or talk about cheese.

Drink: Citrus Mint green tea from Starbucks, a proper cup of Yorkshire, Evian, JuicyWater Raspberries and Apples (which I think they discontinued and my heart is hurting. It tastes like studying abroad. A quick Google has confirmed this and it is now Raspberries & Blackcurrants. Excuse me whilst I mourn this loss), whiskey gingers and Purple Rain.

Book: This is a horrible question. I read books like I devour popcorn. I love A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and The Bell Jar, and Fight Club. And I love The Water Babies, and Harry Potter, and Jane Eyre. Don’t make me choose. I will write this entire post and it will just be a list of books that I love.

Song: This is a really hard question – I can’t pick just one song. It’s like books. It depends on my mood. It depends on the occasion and what I’ve associated that song with.

Movie: Anything directed by Tarantino.

Band: Again, I can’t pick just one. Lately, I’ve been listening to a lot of Honeyblood and Bright Eyes.

Solo Artist: Lana Del Rey. Hands down.

Place: London. Brighton. I can’t think of any other places in the world that make my heart and soul sing the way that they do. I could be living in a box in London and be the happiest. And Brighton obviously holds very dear memories for me. It’s where I met my people, where I fell in love, and where I started to become who I was meant to be.

Subject: Like to talk about? Or in school. I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it (10 points if you know what show that is from).

Sport: I used to play tennis. I also really like watching figure skating.

Male actor: this is hard. Right now, I’m all about Chris Pratt. Even in the early seasons of Parks and Rec. So cute. So so so cute.

Female actor: Emilia Clarke. She is so down to earth and absolutely adorable. Plus, the way that she and Jason Momoa still geek out over each other via Instagram is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Life:

Schooling: I just got my masters degree. I can’t believe I have one.

BF: So I have more than one best friend. They are all incredible people. The one I will mention here is my friend Phoebe, who was my flatmate when I studied abroad. She and I have remained super close, brought closer by visits to each other and the ability to have really hard conversations without it being awkward. She sent me a card to keep me going the other day, and I would be very lost without her. She is so great.

Political ideology: I am anti-hate. I am pro-human. I am pro-human rights. So yeah, I’m not conservative.

Religion: Right now, I don’t think I’m at a point in my life where religion is important. I was baptised Presbyterian. In the last two years, I’ve gotten very into reiki, which is more spiritual than religious. That’s what I focus on right now. One day, maybe after I have a family or desperately need something to believe in, religion will become a priority. I don’t not believe, I just don’t think about it.

Tattoos: Not at liberty to discuss.

Piercings: I have two piercings on each earlobe. Pretty standard, but I’ve never loved needles and I also had my nose fixed so am under oath (from my mum) to not pierce it.

Languages: I speak French, a little Spanish, and I know some words in High Valyrian. Yes, that’s one of the languages on Game of Thrones. No, I don’t care that now you know I’m a nerd.

Reason behind your blog’s name: It’s about to get worse. So, my friends call me Mere. If you spend enough time with me, you will end up calling me Mere. I speak French. And I also happen to love the film Titanic (one of my friends from undergrad and I are weirdly obsessed with Rose’s maid – I don’t know why). The massive blue diamond in Titanic is called Le Cœur de la Mer – The Heart of the Ocean. And this is the place where I unburden my heart – and yes, I do know that mère in French means mother, but I don’t care.

Why you blog: I blog to make things make sense, to put my words out into the universe and to maybe have someone see what I have to say and be able to relate. The world is a big place, and one comforting voice can make it a little smaller.

Oh, I need your bedroom eyes

The hours to the sunrise creep, but I don’t care. 

A cloudless March sky in a place where there are usually blankets of clouds cocooning the sun. A red raincoat not needed but instead tucked inside of a hunter green Longchamp bag with beaten corners. And the enchanting humming of a California-born lo-fi band coming through earbuds.

There is no hope for any sleep if you’re not here. 

Cheerful beats and blasé attitude give way to a deeper meaning – it has only been one night together but I don’t think I can live a life without you. And that is not normal. I never think this about anyone, ever. Feet slide into ruby red metallic Dr Martens that pinch, burn and ache. Feet slide out of ruby red metallic Dr Martens by the seaside. Seagulls screech and waves crash in and out. The sun shines. A breeze carries the scent of saltwater and battered fish and stale pubs.

In another scene, in another bed, you’re sleeping. 

Don’t we know that this is only temporary? That I’ll go my way and you’ll go your way and the past year that has led up to this moment was all for just that – a single moment? A strangely perfect moment where it felt like everything clicked into place and everything felt right. Aren’t we supposed to say goodbye after this? That was my plan. That was your plan. But I already can’t stop thinking about carving out a niche in your bed and how I don’t want to leave you behind.

So won’t you come and visit me when I’m dreaming?

Shopping bag swinging, carrying £10 black Oxfords from Primark that have been replaced by those ruby red metallic Dr Martens. Impossibly white buildings against a bright blue sky. And again, the enchanted humming of a California-based lo-fi band coming through earbuds. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Oh, I need your bedroom eyes. 

I know I’ll find my way to you again tonight, and that we will have one more night together before separating. And you will become an anecdote that I will retell over again when people describe how someone’s touch made their skin fizz and how placing my hand in yours felt like dropping my keys on my kitchen counter after a vacation. But this is all temporary, right? We never meant to mean anything to each other. So why can’t I get you off of my brain in ways I never thought I would envision you and why can’t I stop thinking about things that I didn’t know I could want with you?

I fear that I’ll never sleep again. 

And I haven’t. Something awakened inside of us that night. Something that has been building since before our paths crossed. The way I felt about you limping home in my first pair of Dr Martens, swinging my shopping bag and playing a song on repeat – that hasn’t changed. I’m awake to you and the things that you make me feel. Your turn now. Wake up.

Untie, untangle, unwrap

One year ago I crashed through your facade of being happy and settled without me in your life. And I don’t know if it has gotten any easier. I had different expectations a year ago. I didn’t think you’d melt effortlessly back into my life, a snowflake in July, but also didn’t expect to be where we are right now.

It seems so simple for everyone else. It seems so much easier on television. Of course Ross immediately realised that Julie was not the one for him and that he should be with Rachel. Of course Rachel got off the plane for Ross, giving up her dream job in Paris. Of course Marshall returns to Lilly even though she was the one who broke off their engagement in the first place. Of course Ted gives Robin the bright blue French horn again after years, effectively rekindling their romance without any entanglements. But that’s the thing about real life, I suppose. There will always be entanglements.

I’m not sure why you’re still tied up in yours though, enmeshed, bound. You clearly aren’t happy – if you had everything you needed to be happy, your ache wouldn’t be so tangible. I don’t know if you know that every day without you feels like I’ve added another year onto my life. I don’t know if you know that on paper and at surface value nothing has changed but maybe in the bigger picture, it has.

I can’t stop choosing you, you know? I’ve tried. I have tried so many times. My life would be so much easier if I stopped choosing you. You could ask me every important question in the world and if my answer isn’t an immediate yes, it’s a “let me think about this and eventually yes.” I can’t say no to you, which is why when you overwhelm me, I roll over and let it happen. Fighting you is pointless. So why are you fighting our inevitability so hard?

The things I want from life, I don’t want them with anyone else but you. If they do not involve you I do not want them. So wake up and realise you want the same things. I know you do. Because think about it like this – the hardest part? The finding the other half part? The guarantee that they want to be with you? That’s over. That’s done. It’s been found. You’ve asked Father Christmas for that bright red bike and it is sitting under your tree on Christmas morning. All you have to do is unwrap it.

 

 

 

Ted.

I desire the things that will destroy me in the end,” wrote Sylvia Plath in her personal journal. It has always frightened my mother and those around me how much I relate to the late poet. To be fair, it frightens me as well – to see some of my most haunting thoughts I cannot express poured out onto a page through a vessel that is not me. My darkest places are brought to light and I can no longer hide them. And I connect to Sylvia because I too love an Englishman who, at this moment, is not present in my life and belongs to someone else. Sylvia fed herself into Ted Hughes, resulting in the loss of her life, and while the loss of my life will not be at my own hands, isn’t that what I’m doing for you? Am I not bleeding myself dry for your sake?

I remember the day you left all too well and the first person I crawled my bleeding, broken self to for comfort was Sylvia Plath. The hours blurred together as I devoured poem after poem and line after line voraciously as if her words were the only substance that could fill the gaping void you had left.  “I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead/(I think I made you up inside my head),” she seemed to croon to me via her villanelle, “Mad Girl’s Love Song. Because you were doing your best to convince me that I had dreamed you, that I had fashioned you from the deepest corners of my mind, and that you had never existed for me in the way that I wanted you to at all.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Ted was far from ideal and far from perfect. Sylvia’s demons were far more unruly and harder to cage than mine are. You are also far from perfect with your own demons desperately begging to be caged. I am pouring myself into you like an empty glass to maybe make your soul a little less empty so that it can finally coexist with mine. It will happen, I need to be patient, but I am draining myself dry and if I don’t stop, I will have to be discarded like an empty carton of juice. Because, my darling, that’s how these demons work. They wait until we are bled dry, and then cast our withered husks into the abyss, not caring if we leave a gaping hole behind. Sylvia’s demons poured out her essence and threw her away, leaving a legacy and broken pieces and a man with a reputation for womanising and callousness. That is not us. This is not who we will be.

You still consume me like a fire from within, burning through my reserves and withering me from the inside out. I still search the skies for clear days when the blue matches your eyes perfectly, I still hear your voice in my ear in the darkest hours. The universe still screams at me that you will be back, and I have to be better about trusting those messages. They are there. They haven’t stopped.

Each minute without you passes like a year. You have been gone for decades, for centuries, for millennia. And I know that with every eon that has passed, we are one eon closer until you will be back and you will be mine.

So we could rave on, darling, you and I/until the stars tick out a lullaby/about each cosmic pro and con/nothing changes, for all the blazing of/our drastic jargon, but clock hands that move/implacably from twelve to one.

 

Control and yards of tulle

From the time that I was two years old, I wanted to be a ballerina. My best friend and I would don matching pink tutus and watch Baryshnikov’s Nutcracker in my family room and twirl gleefully. She and I both could not wait until we could take ballet classes and eventually earn those pink satin pointe shoes that every little girl ballerina covets. I would be the one to stick with ballet past the point when most little girls decide they’d rather do something else. I earned my more-peach-than-pink satin pointe shoes. When I stopped dancing at the age of 14, it was because an unfavourable studio situation led to a complete burnout of that love I carried for ballet. I could not be bothered to resume ballet even after switching studios. I had been so miserable for so long that I had forgotten how happy it had made me.

I would go through these immense periods of ballet nostalgia. I would work out to music from The Firebird, The Nutcracker, Petroushka, and Coppelia because it felt comfortable. I am trained to work my body for an hour without stopping the minute that classical music pops on. I saw The Nutcracker in DC and spent nearly the entire first act surreptitiously wiping away tears because I missed ballet so much. I even resumed adult ballet classes, purchasing, for the first time in a decade, a new pair of pointe shoes (and I finally got lovely pink ones instead of those weird whitish ones I had to get – I have a wide foot but a really skinny heel so I am difficult to fit).

Ballet is my first and longest love, but why? Why specifically ballet, and not dance in general? I’ve dabbled in many kinds of dance – Irish step, tap, jazz, modern. I hated modern. Hated it with a passion. But why?

It’s all about control.

Ballet is precise. The dancer must be able to control her movements gracefully. The hardest steps should look effortless. The goal is to make dancing in a shoe with wooden blocks for toes seem painlessly easy. Each arm and leg movement has to be perfect, graceful, timed and controlled. There is a right and wrong way to do things, and although it takes a lot of effort to learn the right way, it is doable. A ballerina is perfection and this is because she is controlled (this is also where eating disorders often spawn but that’s another story).

I hated modern dance because there aren’t really rules. The objective is to look free, flowing and light, expressing emotions through movement. The modern classes I took involved a lot of rolling around on the floor barefooted. And I hated that. I wanted someone to tell me to wear a specific coloured leotard (pink at age 5, light blue ages 8-10, burgundy ages 10-12, and black ages 12 and up) with a certain shade of pink tights. I needed someone to correct me when my arms weren’t in the right position and tell me to control my leg on its way down from a grand battement. I spent a decade relying on those few hours every week where I was completely in charge of my movements and I was the only one with any say over how they would flow.

I am not good at letting go of situations beyond my control. They are my least favourite kind to deal with and the hardest for me to handle. I am horrible at surrendering my needs to any higher being, and this is what is kicking my ass right now – this inability to let go and let be. I spend my time trying to make sure it looks like I am effortlessly balancing on my toes even though they are being painfully pounded into wooden blocks. And that’s the situation I have been dealing with and the lesson I have been unsuccessfully trying to learn for the last two years.

It’s not that I don’t try to get the things that I want for myself, the things I want are just beyond my control at this point. There is literally nothing I can do to get them except just let go. And for some reason, I am spectacularly bad at that. The situation I am currently in? I need to trust that the other person involved will fix himself. I need to give him the stage, hang up my pointe shoes, and wait in the wings. Because I know my cue is coming, I just have no say in when that is.